So, do you ever catch yourself thinking while in the middle of a fight with the man you love about him coming rushing back from the heated walk out the door with a rush of passion, apologies and flowers? I can’t tell you how many time I have had that fantasy but it never happened. Time and time again my husband would have a huge outburst of anger at me about something really ridiculous and walk out on me and disappear for days on end. Sometimes he would come home and stay in the guest bedroom but he would not speak to me for at least 3-4 days.
The times I can count that we had such conflict are more than I can really count, it’s over a couple of dozen times. My husband had me conditioned after a while, conditioned to submit myself to selling out and not standing up for myself. Each time he came back to talk to me he would TELL me what was going to happen and never give a passionate request for forgiveness for his part in the fight.
If I could go over the many times that I found myself apologizing to him for what my part may have been in the dispute I could not tell you the number because it would be over a dozen as well. I can tell you that he apologized to me twice and it was usually when things were so bad that he knew I was done and ready to move on.
So, you might be asking what my point is? Well, it’s these types of things that become hindsight for us. You see, I couldn’t see the issue when I was in it but now that I am removed from the marriage, I can see the manipulation and mental abuse that was going on. Please understand that I don’t regret that I went through it because all of the events that happened in my life made me who I am today. The reason to report this is to ask you, do you see a pattern of yourself slowly allowing a bullying/mentally abusive husband to take away your sparkle? Do you feel very removed from who you were previous to the problems in your relationship?
If you feel that you have lost yourself and you are a very disconnected from who you really are take steps to reconnect with you! So, you might ask, Lisa, what do you suggest? I have a couple of suggestions to get you started.
1. Take a course in NLP, do you know what NLP is? It is a wonderful technique called Neuro-Linguistic Programming. It is used by many motivational speakers, like Tony Robbins, NLP is a short term goal-orientated and practical therapeutic approach to problem solving. Whatever problem you have.
2. Get involved in your own personal development. There are so many programs out there for all types and if you can’t find something that fits for you try resources like: www.meetup.com or www.internations.org These are great places to get connected with like minded people and for little to no money. You just tap in the hobby you might have left while going through life or a group of people in your age group that might want to just go meet up. No matter the subject, you can find one that will fit you.
3. Start journaling. Have you ever kept a journal? Some ideas if you have never done so? You can write a letter to yourself once a week. Maybe write as if you are talking to your younger self as advice to the future. Another thing is just a reporting of what happened that day. The thing that helped me move forward from my toxic relationship was reviewing things I had written before and realizing that I was consistently having the same issues with my marriage no matter what adjustments I had made to myself or the way I reacted to situations.
4. Invest in yourself!!! Take some time to go on a spa day with a friend. Find a women’s retreat to go on and invest in you! I can’t tell you how much it recharges you to get connected with other women and to really value yourself in that way.
I’ve given you just a few of the tips that I give my clients and you can think of many more, I am sure! If you have some tips, please post them in the comments below. As usual, I want you to go out there and sparkle and shine so make today the day of awesome, and then make all your tomorrows extra awesome to!
The Breast Cancer Survivors Coach Blog 