Issues of Trust

I’m not sure how close to home this might be for some but it’s something I am currently going through and feel I need to get it out.
Trust has been a very ‘divine’ thing to me. I mean that in a way of divinity not the feeling. See, trust is a very unconditional thing. When you have it in a relationship it can create a certain sanctity and wholeness that is quite relaxing.
I think the rapid growth of social media has allowed for certain subjects to be ‘read into’ and creates a bit of a perplexing challenge for couples. Not only couples though, for friends as well. An example, a friend says they can’t go out and the next morning the photos are posted of the good time they went and had with other friends. That bit I don’t get because I’m the type of girl who loves to share all friends with each other because if I think they are awesome then, most certainly, they will agree!
So, anyway, back to it, this trust thing is easily given but not so easy to recover once broken. I have to admit there was a massive rift with my partner years back that created a lack of trust and it took me a long time to regain a feeling of complete trust in us again.
I won’t go into total detail of what was done but I will say that it made me feel violated and very hurt. It was a breach of something I held very dear between us and in a long moment of his indiscretion it got wiped away all for his own fear. I could go into the reasons he should have no right to do what he did but that’s really not the point.
I am a very forgiving person when it comes to someone I love purely and unconditionally so when this breach occurred my mind was boggled. BUT, my live for him was so strong that I felt I could move from it. If you’re guessing an affair, no, that’s not what it was.
Over the years, there have been several occasions of his breaking me down, down into a young girl who can’t speak for herself. All because I held in my feelings from this breach. I should have addressed it head on but I was afraid, afraid to feel, afraid to be left, afraid to be raw and hurting again from it.
In this last year the ebb and flow of our relationship has been tumultuous and I’ve been a very sad girl for the lack of togetherness that I long for.
This morning I went to perform a simple task in our office and found that I couldn’t do it because passwords had been changed and once again that pain in my heart and stomach came and I felt as though the trust was gone.
I don’t know what the way forward is but I know things must change. This is beyond dysfunctional and no matter how much you try to sugar coat it, it’s broken and needs repair. Not taking about it doesn’t work! Ignoring the elephant in the living room, will not make less elephant poo to clean up!
I feel as though my things are not my own, I have no place unless that place fits into the small spot over there in the corner. That’s no way to live.
So ladies and gents, this is the raw me, feeling and being open and honest about my feeling of being unloved. I’m not sure where it goes from here and if it is salvageable. I do know that doing it alone has become lovely and I’m not to keen on being alone while sleeping in the same bed as someone. It’s quite depressing. Love me for me and if not, well move along to someone who you feel you can live and trust because you certainly don’t trust me. There’s a saying, ‘you get what you give.’ That seems to apply here. 😦

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